09.03.2016

How I Almost Forgot Why I Write

It’s not the beginning I envisioned. I dreamed of beautiful pages, beautiful fonts, beautiful pictures. Disappointment ached in my throat before I ever typed any words to add. I compared under the guise of research, and stumbled upon site after site that advertised other blogger’s perfect “everything.”

And then He reminded me why I started writing all those years ago. I wrote because I loved writing. I wrote because I loved Him. But the deadline of a Sept. 1 blog launch almost got me. The press to make it perfect before anyone laid eyes upon my site. What if they saw my site and felt disappointed by the lack of professionalism displayed upon every page?

Then I realized why my shoulders groaned under the tension I’d been carrying. I’d made it all mine. I’d made this blog mine. The words mine. The graphics mine.

I almost messed everything up before I’d really even started.

How I want this to be His.

That’s where my heart is, but for a  while my head completely forgot.

Ann Voskamp says it like this, “Your stories bear witness. Please carve a thousand.”

I’ve got so many stories to tell. So many ways to bear witness to the One who loves my soul like no other. Instead I’ve spent the past few weeks drowning in the discouraging depths of blog design, graphic web sites, and tutorials. My whole self ached under a burden He did not tell me to carry. I made up my own rules to this game and was losing before I started playing.

When will I be free from the pursuit of perfection?

It’s plagued me for years.

The plague of perfectionism is one that leads to death.

Death of every dream. Death of the life that once thrived under His loving hand.

I don’t want this to die before it even starts. Education in your area of expertise is good, but turning to the one called The Teacher is better. So I turn to him and ask him to guide me in every step of this journey. How many hours have I wasted over the past few weeks comparing myself to people who don’t even know I exist? I’ve pushed aside my Father, my family, my friends, and more in order to struggle through the details of a design that will never meet my own expectations.

My prayer is that I meet His. He asks that I “endure to the end.” And that’s what I plan to do.

Endures1

I may never have all the perfect pictures, perfect fonts, perfect designs, but I want to be in His Perfect will. That’s easier to know than most people think. Some would make the will of God to be a complicated, much-prayer-needed, soul-wrenching debacle of fear that we might not be where He wants us to be.

He wants us Near Him.

He wants us to lift Him higher than anyone or anything else.

He wants us always pointing others to Him.

So if what you’re doing does that, then you’re there.

I wandered so far off the path with my wondering if I’d ever measure up to the standards I’d put on myself. My wandering almost waylaid the vision He’d placed in my heart. My wandering almost made me wonder if I would even continue.

By His grace and by His goodness, he reminded me of His plan.

Be Near.

Lift Him up.

Point others to Him.

It’s what I started off wanting to do and somehow got lost along the way. The temptation here is to insert all my apologies for a site that might not measure up to the standards of some. I’m not apologizing this time. But I will give Him glory. I pray that if you’re diving deep into a plan He’s planted into you heart, don’t let perfectionism and comparison leave you bereft of the One who is perfect and to whom everyone else pales in comparison to.

His plan is perfect. There’s no way to fail when you’re near Him, lifting Him up, and pointing others to Him.

 


Comments

  1. Michelle Levett says:

    I am so grateful that you did not forget why you write–that God’s patience and long-suffering endured so that you would embrace the calling He has upon you. Beautifully written–keep on writing, because when you write, His love pours out to embrace others. Keep. On. Writing.

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